march_31_2025

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so uh, the album released.

overall i'm happy with it. it's easily the best project i've made, and i'm glad i finally have it done. i feel a little weird about me worrying about it not being good enough, because although it didn't meet the expectations i had for it, it was never going to anyways.

i do want to make stuff that's better than it though, but i just don't know if i'll be able to. not because i don't think i can do better, i definitely can, but because i'm scared that i'll die before i can make anything new. i'm scared that this will be the last thing i'll make, and i don't want it to be.

i guess part of this is coming from me having to go on a road trip tomorrow. i'm completely terrified of being in a car because i know how often deadly car accidents happen. i don't want to die without making stuff i think is "good enough", but i'm scared it's gonna happen anyways.

i guess i'll just stay home.

march_7_2025

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i'm currently on the last legs of a project that i've been working on for about 3 months now. i thought i would've had it done way earlier, but at the very least i know that it's gonna be finished in about two or three weeks.

part of me does wonder if doing this was best for me. i guess the fears of it not meeting my incredibly high expectations are getting to me. i don't even know if i'll be able to polish it enough by the time i want it to release, and i've already pushed the release date back by quite a bit just so i have the time to finish everything overall.

my only hope for it is that i'll enjoy listening to it all the way through the same way i like listening to most of my favorite albums. i don't want it to make my fucking mind explode because of how amazing it is, but i do want to listen to it and at the very least enjoy it.

i guess it's not too much to ask for. maybe i'm just worrying about nothing.

january_13_2025

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what better way to kick off this year by bringing my website back? well, other than that shitpost of a song by they who shall not be named. i only ever thought about bringing it back, but after remaking my logo with my name instead of my alias i decided to just go all out with it.

if anything, doing this will only be a blessing since i finally have a place to just write down my thoughts again. lord knows what else i will just dump onto here without prior notice. i'll try my best to keep the venting to a minimum, though.

anywho, if any of you are wondering when my next release will be, i'm not telling you because i'm horrible with predicting release dates. just know that i am incredibly busy with it and that it will be out eventually.

july_12_2024

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i often try to talk about my struggles and what i'm going through to try to rationalize it in my head and at least in some part try to realize that i'm going through a personal hell, but it never seems to work. i can talk about what i'm going through, my general thought patterns and everything, how i feel whenever i'm doing it, but it always just seems like i can only output it all.

a while ago i saw a documentary about a man going through a similar thing in the most extreme sense possible. it was by ITV, about Clive Wearing. what struck me most about it is that he can completely rationalize what he's going through in the moment, but none of it matters because he's still stuck in the same place, unable to escape. i related to it so much that i sampled part of it in my second EP, what is probably the worst thing i have ever created.

i think part of this issue stems from the fact that i've been taking adderall again for my ADHD. it's helped a lot with me being able to finally get stuff done again, however it makes these thought spirals so much worse, and it causes me to ramble on and on about whatever thing i'm focused on at that moment, everything very loosely connected in a way. to be fair though, it makes it so much easier to just work.

i know i'm going this exact thing as i'm writing it. after this though, i'm going to go back to everything i was planning on doing today, and try not to go through this again today, but it's hard for me to switch it off.

knowing me, i probably said the same thing 5 times in a row in this post, but i don't think it matters anyway.

july_10_2024

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i often feel like i'm living two lives at once. not in a psychotic sort of way but just that my general thought patterns always seem to randomly choose between two different points at different times, hell, even as often as during the same day.

i have no idea what i'm doing with my life yet i have a general plan with everything i'm doing. i'm worried that nobody cares about the stuff i make yet i only really make art for myself. i feel like i'm wasting my life away even though i'm working tirelessly on my music.

it's been bothering me for a while. i'm living in a world of constant contradictions because i can never have the same opinion on things for very long. but what do i know. i've genuinely been losing my sanity the past week or so, starting to hallucinate again, being constantly sleep deprived, not eating much if at all for seemingly no reason, not feeling grounded in reality.

even then, i'm at least making art, though it does feel pretentious calling it that.

june_30_2024

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something i don't see talked about enough in the world of music is the importance of finding your own visual style. too often do i see people using the same anime aesthetics for their music just because it's popular right now, not realizing that by using that style, they just blend into the crowd and don't stand out at all.

i often get videos with that exact aesthetic in my recommended feed from small "breakcore" artists, and it's very rare that i click on them because it always seems amateurish. it comes across as cliche in a way, like it's an afterthought instead of being something to add to the piece. most of the time, the music itself isn't good enough to pay attention to either.

i've been making my own visuals for my work since my first release mainly due to copyright concerns, but now it seems like it made me unique in a way. i haven't bothered with trying to conform to a niche because i don't like the niches that exist. i make art that i want to see. i make music that i want to listen to. music made specifically for me, and i want to invite other people to this world i made for myself.

i want to see more people doing the same. i want to see people making music just for them. i want to see people make art just for them. without caring at all about what other people want from them. i don't want people to conform to whatever already exists. i want people to make stuff that they haven't seen made because it's what they want to hear, what they want to see.

but this makes me ask, is the stuff i create outsider art? i don't really know. it's mainstream enough for it to not be. but even then, i don't really want to keep up with all the stuff people are posting in the genre i make. most of it is garbage anyways.

june_28_2024

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i think one of the reasons why music has stuck to me (outside of autism and how much music is in my family) is because of the times just audio caused me to cry. my earliest memory of this experience is either from I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas or the file select menu in Super Mario 64, composed by Koji Kondo. i'm not completely sure why either of them make me emotional, but it's probably something with the chord progressions in each.

my most recent experience with this is the reason i'm writing this now. i was playing DDR (or really stepmania) today and i decided to play Mei by Amuro vs Killer. the reason being, i wanted to FC the chart on Challenge (for the record i play on keyboard). the second time around playing it, the song really started to hit me emotionally, and i started crying when it got to the end, and coincidentally i got the FC during it.

the piano in that song is incredibly emotional to me. it just evokes the feeling i get when something terrible happens to me, or whenever i'm so lonely that i lose my mind, wanting someone to hold me. the production notes DJ Amuro gave for the song encapsulated that perfectly, saying "This song's theme is a story about a man's sad fate. He said an eternal farewell to his family, and boards a shuttle alone in silence."

i want to create that feeling in my own music. i want to make a song that puts that emotion front and center, and it's all i can think about when i listen to it. maybe it's just my inexperience but i just can't seem to make something that holds that for me. the closest i've ever gotten to it is probably "if all was turned to dust" but i ended up deleting it because the production on it was horrible. maybe soon i can get that feeling again.

may_30_2024

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i've started playing guitar again recently. it's been a while but i guess the hyperfixation is back, and i find it pretty fun now that i'm actually practicing something.

maybe i'll even make a cover of a song that i've been listening to a lot recently, but you'll have to wait for that.

probably a while for that.

may_8_2024

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music. music is something that's been around my entire life. in my head i hear it constantly playing no matter what. but recently i haven't felt connected to any of the music i make.

maybe it's just that i'm releasing singles after my first album, and that it feels wrong not making stuff exclusively for a major project. i don't really know. i recently gave up the black and white covers for my singles, and i don't know why i did that either.

all i do know is that i need to keep releasing stuff. this is really the only thing i've been concerned about for a while, and i need to keep going with whatever the hell all of this is.

i don't know where it will end up. i don't even want this to end.

april_30_2024

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well hello there. i decided to make a neocities site on a whim, and i'm glad i have my own personal space for my art and music. i'll probably upload my art eventually, but i'll have to try to find all of it before i do. that and uploading all of my older works onto here for those interested in listening. also, i might release some of my stepcharts and resource packs on here once i finish them.

as for my projects, i'm currently just going to continue making singles for a while, and i'll probably upload a 'best of' compilation album at some point. i'm not interested in making an album as of now.